Mental Strength; My battle with Depression - August 9th

This week on twitter I saw many tweets that described a persons battle with their inner demons and the feelings that they feel like they can't share with others for fear of ridicule. And I have to say, I know the feeling. Ever since I was younger, I kno the feeling of hiding how I feel, and having to be an actor on a daily basis. At times I feel like I should win a academy award for the performance I put on, that's how much I pretend.

I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 14. It was Chornic, not Clinical, which meant that it was heredity and would never really go away. Medicine never really fixed it completely, instead it only suppressed symptoms while making me sick and moody. Then after a while the medicine would stop working and I would have to switch to a new one. At the age of 19 I finally decided to stop taking any medicine because they messed with my head more than the actual depression did. Over those five years I went through massive weight loss, only to put it back on just as quick. My health was never quite 100% and the headaches I had always gotten as a child came more frequent. My doctors could never really figure out why the medicine was fucking with me so much, but it did.

I went into more intensive therapy after the age of  17because I had a sucide scare. I stay home one weekend when my parents and siblings went away on vacation. I took a razor and sat in the bathroom, fighting with myself and wishing that I had just one person who actually understood what was really going on in my head. I sat there, ignoring my moms calls until my uncle came into the house and found me. He stayed the rest of the weekend and made me promise to get help.

I never felt like I could really talk to my parents because my dad always played it off like I was just searching for attention and that I was just sad. He would say things like "just cheer up" and "there's no reason to be sad". He didn't seem to realize that saying things  like this just made me feel worse.

Finally at 20, after playing WoW for years, I found some people that battle with the same thi I battled with. They pulled me out of my shell and became my support system, talked me into joining twitter, where I found numerous other people who became my friends and showed me I wasn't alone. They're remain my support system to this day.

But still, everyday, I go through the motions with people. People tell me "Oh, I know how you feel. I'm always so sad". These people make me want to slap them. Battling with depression doesn't mean you're sad all the time, that's only part of it. It means you feel like there's a huge weight on your chest, pushing you down so you can't find get light. It means that you feel worthless and that you'll never dig your way out. You feel alone at times, and at others you just feel like you'll never be happy. Depression makes it hard to do everyday tasks because you just don't feel like moving or getting out of bed.

Dealing with depression doesn't mean a persons is weak, it means they're stronger that you can imagine. It means that they're facing the world with a huge weight already on their shoulders, and most of the times they're facing it while they act like everything is fine. They're strong because they get out of bed when they want to do nothing more but sleep, and instead they face the world.

So next time you see or hear of someone suffering from depression, don't feel bad for them or attpt to sympathize. Instead stand up and cheer them on, applaud them for their strength. Stand their and let them unload on you, let them tell you their fears and worries. Because take it from me, sometimes that all we need.

Before I sign off, I want to thank some of my friends that have helped me grow strong. Vero, Milk (Jessica) Fist (josh) LeBlue (Eric) Tycer, Hestiah, Twenty, Mist, Wowprofitz and everyone else whose name I can't remember, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.