Back (In a sense)

For people that actually follow me on twitter or that have been reading my updates here, I have been without a computer for almost 18 months. At first it was because I was dealing with some stuff, then it died and I didnt have the funds until recently to get a new one. Now that I have a new one, I have been getting asked why I havent set it up and rejoined the awesome gaming comunity. Well, thats an easy question.

I live with 3 roommates and in the smaller of the three bedrooms. When I had my other computer set up, I didnt have much room to do much of anything that I want to do. This included making a background for videos and setting up a greenscreen for when I streamed. I had just enough room for my bed, my dressers, and my computer. It was a tight fit.

Now, with one of the roommates moving out, I am getting a larger room. It is much bigger than the room I am in now, and it will allow me to set things up how I want them and to deliver content that I am proud of. The only downside is he hasnt moved out yet. He doesnt technically have to be out of the house until the end of March, which sucks.

But the laptop does come with a few perks. It makes it easier to mod streams and help friends there. It allows me to get back into Blogging easier and even start writing again like I used to. It allows me to use Tweetdeck, which I am now in love with as it is much easier to use than regular twitter. And although I cant play Smite or anything like that, I am able to do other things and get back into the groove. It will also let me work on the podcast I am a part of easier, as well as start setting up the other I wish to start.

All in all, getting this laptop, even though its used, will allow me to do this things that I want to get started, even if It wont allow me to really game.

Broken.

Some nights are harder than others. Some nights Im fine. I hang out in mumble with friends, play video games on my Xbox, maybe watch a friend stream some. When I get tired I go to sleep and just try to not think about anything.

Other nights, well, other nights are hard. Those nights I lay there, thoughts racing through my head. I lay there thinking about every stupid thing I've ever done. I think about the people I cared about and lost. About whether or not people actually like me. Whether they actually care about me at all. I lay there and remember, I'm broken.

It's an ugly and horrible term. One that I would never use to refer to another person, not in my lifetime. But it's the only term I can think of that describes me and who I am. Broken. Not shattered, at least not yet. But broken.

I've been broken for a while now. For years. Ever since I was at least thirteen. I was diagnosed with depression then, the doctor thinking it was just onset by my hormones as I started puberty. He said I would grow out of it. I didn't, I fell deeper down that rabbit hole as they say. My dad and most of my family pushed me away when I looked for someone to help. They thought I was looking for attention, thought I was faking just because I wanted to stand out and be different. "Just be happy" they would say "you have nothing to be sad about". So I just pulled back deeper into myself feeling unloved and like an outsider. At fourteen, I tried killing myself for the first time. At that point, I thought it was the only way to get the feelings to stop.My mom found me, and she managed to save me. It woke her up, gave me someone to talk to and for the next few years I was ok.

The depression that the doctor said I would grow out of started to consume me. It got to a point where those horrible voices talked much louder than the ones that people around me. I was worthless, hopeless, I should die, no one cared. They screamed at me on a daily basis and no matter what I did they wouldn't stop. I couldn't take anti-depression meds because they made me violently ill, so I had to learn to live with the crushing weight. I was shattered then, horribly and completely. I wanted out. I tried to kill myself two more times after my first attempt. I'm at a point of my life where I can admit that now, and I feel like it might help if I do admit it.

I met people in WoW that helped put me back together, and although the I'm no longer shattered, I'm still Broken. Still horribly and completely broken. I'm attempting to get to a place where I'm better, a place where I can close my eyes at night and not fear my own inner demons coming for me. It's what I want, but there are nights. Nights like tonight where I highly doubt that I'll ever be put back together. I try to patch myself up, I fight back my darkness with humor and puns. I try to forget, try to push away the dark voices by talking louder. But still, no matter what I do. I'm still Broken.

Undeniably and completely Broken.

Better to be nice, or honest?

I want to start this post out with a simple statement, I don't claim to be a nice person. Never had. And there is a very good reason for that. I'll get to that later, I just wanted to get it out of the way.

Earlier today I was blocked on twitter by someone who I considered a friend. They found something I retweeted offensive, told me so and before I could respond, blocked me. At first I was hurt, because like I said, I considered them a friend and didn't expect to be blocked by them for having an opinion that was different from theirs. As the day went on, I realized why they did it and while I respect the reason, it only pissed me off more. Especially since they had posted things I found offensive and I didn't do anything as drastic, but to each their own.

I don't go out of my way to offend anyone. I'm not like that, but like I said earlier, I don't claim to be nice. My mom didn't raise me to be nice and kind and to let me walk all over me. She raised me to be honest, not to bullshit people, and to speak my mind. That, and the fact that I lost many people I was close to, I tend to be closed off. I don't want to risk being hurt like I have been in the past.

I know I can come off as abrasive and mean, or as an asshole, and trust me, I don't attempt to. I have my own opinions and I tend to stick by them, even if I am the minority and people are ganging up on me. I don't feel bad that I was sacrifice my ideals for other people, and in all honesty, real friends wouldn't make you.

Going back to the "I don't claim to be nice" statement, I've discovered something with it. People don't expect me to be a nice guy, and don't tend to be AS upset when I tell them something they don't want to hear. When people ask me why I'm being mean, I tell them that I was just speaking what I perceived as the truth and that I don't mean to hurt their feelings.

But my question, the one I've been dealing with all day is as followed: is it better to be nice, or honest? 

Being nice tends to mean one would have more friends, you get invited to parties, more people would  want to hang out with you. You'll have more people to spend time with and to hang with. And that's great, for some. But it's not for me. Being nice does get you more "friends" but none of them tend to get to know the real you. Unless you're a truely nice person, but it haven't met any of those.

Being honest tends to make people angry at you. Now, being honest does not mean being mean. I don't mean purposely hurt someone's feelings or to go out of you're way to crush someone's dreams. I just mean that I don't bullshit anyone. I speak my mind, and while I do it in the nicest way I can, I still so it. Always. 

I came to the conclusion that I want to be honest. It's better for me, and my mental health. I know that the people who are truly my friends will understand and won't judge me. And to anyone else, fuck you, I dont need you adding stress on me.

10 years, 10 Queation

Over my time in Azeroth, I've had a lot of fun and created many friends and memories. I decided to answer Alternative Chats 10 years 10 questions to celebrate both my time in the game, and WoWs 10th anniversary .

1. Why did you start playing Warcraft?

I became a huge Warcraft 3 fan thanks to my uncle, and because of having both a broken leg and having been just diagnosed with depression, I was looking for something that I could use to keep my, mind occupied. I saw a World of Wardraft commercial and managed to talks my parents into both getting me the game and paying the subscription fee. We had to go to four stores to find a copy, but we did and the next day I was entering Azeroth for the first time.

2. What was the first ever character you rolled?

 The first toon I rolled, and then promptly deleted, was a Tauren Hunter. Honestly, it was just because it was the character that popped up on the character creation screen and I thought that meant I had to play it. It took me about a day to realize I could create and decide my own character for my journey, so I went and deleted the hunter and rolled a human paladin, which was my main until half way through Wrath of the Lich King

3. Which factors determined your faction choice in game?

At first I choose Alliance because I thought they were the good guys. After my initial choice, the only factor I need to join a faction is whichever my friends are playing. I have and do played multiple characters and both factions, just because I like to spend time with my friends.

4. What has been your most memorable moment in Warcraft and why?

 My Most memorable moment is a hard one. I've had so many moments stand out for me that it's hard to choose just one. But having to choose, I think it would be beating Karazan back in Burning Crusade after raiding it for five months. It was a thought raid, and I got to play it with my firends at the time, allowing me to spend my nights with people I got along with. I also did homework at the same time I was raiding, which made tanking interesting.

5. What is your favourite aspect of the game and has this always been the case?

My favorite aspect has always been th fact that I can play and interact with people from all over. The game forced me to be socials, without affecting my anxiety at the same time. It helped me make friends, and the only times I've disliked other players is in certain parts of the game that I try to avoid all I can.

6. Do you have an area in game that you always return to?

Nagrand. I return to Nagrand all the time. It is, I'm my opinion, the most beautiful zone that was created in the game. I loved how a pvp area was integrated so  we'll into the zone, as well as the different creatures and mobs that roam. most of all, I loved the scenery and the color that is so vivid, that it seems like the developers just redid actual pictures that they had took.

7. How long have you /played and has that been continuous?

The last time I looked it was close to 400 days over all my characters in 9 years. Since I haven't played the last few months, it was only continuous up until I started my break.

         8. Admit it: do you read quest text or not?
Nope. Never, unless I'm confused with a quest and need clarification. I'd rather be out on the world fighting and jesting, then reading the quest text.

9. Are there any regrets from your time in game?

None. I love the friends I've made, the connections I've created. I enjoy all my memories, and all the raids and dungeons I've had to do, even if I've had to do them multiple times.

10. What effect has Warcraft had on your life outside gaming?

Warcraft helped my deal with my Depression and even my Anxiety. It gave my lasting friendships that I still have to this day. It's given me people that I actually have gone and visited in real life, or friends that I have carried over to play other games. It helped me gain the courage to start creating videos and stream, and even helped me gain he insight I needed to created this blog.

Mental Strength; My battle with Depression - August 9th

This week on twitter I saw many tweets that described a persons battle with their inner demons and the feelings that they feel like they can't share with others for fear of ridicule. And I have to say, I know the feeling. Ever since I was younger, I kno the feeling of hiding how I feel, and having to be an actor on a daily basis. At times I feel like I should win a academy award for the performance I put on, that's how much I pretend.

I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 14. It was Chornic, not Clinical, which meant that it was heredity and would never really go away. Medicine never really fixed it completely, instead it only suppressed symptoms while making me sick and moody. Then after a while the medicine would stop working and I would have to switch to a new one. At the age of 19 I finally decided to stop taking any medicine because they messed with my head more than the actual depression did. Over those five years I went through massive weight loss, only to put it back on just as quick. My health was never quite 100% and the headaches I had always gotten as a child came more frequent. My doctors could never really figure out why the medicine was fucking with me so much, but it did.

I went into more intensive therapy after the age of  17because I had a sucide scare. I stay home one weekend when my parents and siblings went away on vacation. I took a razor and sat in the bathroom, fighting with myself and wishing that I had just one person who actually understood what was really going on in my head. I sat there, ignoring my moms calls until my uncle came into the house and found me. He stayed the rest of the weekend and made me promise to get help.

I never felt like I could really talk to my parents because my dad always played it off like I was just searching for attention and that I was just sad. He would say things like "just cheer up" and "there's no reason to be sad". He didn't seem to realize that saying things  like this just made me feel worse.

Finally at 20, after playing WoW for years, I found some people that battle with the same thi I battled with. They pulled me out of my shell and became my support system, talked me into joining twitter, where I found numerous other people who became my friends and showed me I wasn't alone. They're remain my support system to this day.

But still, everyday, I go through the motions with people. People tell me "Oh, I know how you feel. I'm always so sad". These people make me want to slap them. Battling with depression doesn't mean you're sad all the time, that's only part of it. It means you feel like there's a huge weight on your chest, pushing you down so you can't find get light. It means that you feel worthless and that you'll never dig your way out. You feel alone at times, and at others you just feel like you'll never be happy. Depression makes it hard to do everyday tasks because you just don't feel like moving or getting out of bed.

Dealing with depression doesn't mean a persons is weak, it means they're stronger that you can imagine. It means that they're facing the world with a huge weight already on their shoulders, and most of the times they're facing it while they act like everything is fine. They're strong because they get out of bed when they want to do nothing more but sleep, and instead they face the world.

So next time you see or hear of someone suffering from depression, don't feel bad for them or attpt to sympathize. Instead stand up and cheer them on, applaud them for their strength. Stand their and let them unload on you, let them tell you their fears and worries. Because take it from me, sometimes that all we need.

Before I sign off, I want to thank some of my friends that have helped me grow strong. Vero, Milk (Jessica) Fist (josh) LeBlue (Eric) Tycer, Hestiah, Twenty, Mist, Wowprofitz and everyone else whose name I can't remember, Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

A new endeavor! August 2nd

Ok, I can't believe in saying this, but I'm going to set a target for myself. Starting today, I'm going to try my best to get out a blog post every saturday for as long as I can. I don't know if I will be able to do this, because I push things off for because I don't know if I'll find topics I want to talk about, but I'm going to try. That's something right?

In the past I've always tried to do things like this, and sometimes life gets in the way, other times I just can't be bothered, but most of the time I forget. I'm going to try and not forget this time, but I can't make any promises. That's my life. I forget things quite quickly because I move along to other things and they tend to take over the areas of my mind that I would normally be remembering things I have to do. Like blog.

But I like to blog, it's a quick and easy way to get my views and opinions out on the net, and then I can forget about it and a leave it there. It's also a place I can leave my opinions and viewpoints and try to get people to read them, or to at least visit. A place that I can attempt to share my pleasures and joys With others. It's also a place I can unload my feelings and the things that are getting me down and just express myself. So I'm hopefully going to be doing plenty of that every Saturday for the foreseeable future.

I hope.

I really hope.

Like really really REALLY hope.

Life Update

So a lot of people might notice that I haven't been doing much of anything online. I've been on twitter, but that's pretty much just because I have the app on my iPod, and that's about it. I do have Hearthstone now, thanks to my new iPad, but other than that I'm cut off.

See, my computer broke down, the graphics cards melted and some other things went wrong, this all happened about a year ago, which upsets me but I'm getting by. I have found a job that I should hopefully be starting soon, and thanks to that I can start saving up money to help me do a variety of things. I want to build a better computer for streaming and making videos, I ant to move out on my own at least to a place that has good internet, and I want to start saving up so I can go to various conventions to actually meet people in person.

I have a lot of plans that I want to do, but life hasn't been the best these past few months. I've had some family issues, which I don't want to get into here, and my roommates have been being assholes quite often. The support of all of you guys has been great, but I'm hoping I can get my life back together soon, so I can get back to being the Shammy you know.

In the next few months, to maybe a year, I'm going to be making a lot of changes, and I'm excited about the. I should also be back online and making content around when WoD comes out and I have a few good ideas for things I want to make. As well as some awesome people that I want to make things with.

Anyway, before I'm ramble on for to long, I just wanted to let people know what was going on and where I'm at. Now that I have an iPad, I should be at least blogging a bit more. Thanks!